try as you might to put me in my place,

Time:

7:00 pm.

ugh. So im moving in with Jay in may which is already proving to be one of the most trying experiences of my life. Not cohabitating, because i have basically been here at least 25 nights out of every month since december, and we get a long pretty fabulously- but the whole issue of his house, and my things, and my tastes and his tastes.

He bought his house from his mother after his parents got divorced, so it is basically filled with everything she didn't want when she picked up and moved to her stylish little single lady apartment. And Jay has not changed a single thing since it became his house. His bedroom is probably exactly the same as it was when he was 13. He still has a desktop computer and computer desk!! He has stacks of comic books, posters from 1995, shelves full of VIDEOS!!! and little toys and knick knacks all over. Not to mention that his closet is full of every article of clothing he has owned since birth- no kidding.

And the rest of the house is pretty much the same. Living room- huge old 1986 entertainment center, knick knacks and family pictures, the ugliest art ever, and a real live mounted fish thing on the wall. Ugly sofas, ugly dining room furniture, kitchen filled with dishes i havent seen the likes of since 1992 garage sales bathroom decorated in a light house and sailboat motif. carpet needs replaced, curtains have to go, furniture has to go, etc etc etc.

I mean, it is a lovely house, without its contents. It is an adorable little 3 bedroom cottage, and the perfect size for him and i and his cat and our dog.

But the inside of the house drives me crazy.

I don't have attachments to material things. I dont collect anything. I buy lots of things, but when i am done with them, when i get bored with them, i sell them on ebay and buy more things! I dont have a closet full of things from when i was 15. Those things are all gone. I dont have a huge collection of dvds. I don't have a huge collection of comic books. I dont have 2763 posters rolled up under my bed. I don't have receipts for everything i have ever purchased. I dont have bank statements that go back 5 years, and if i did, you better believe they'd be filed in perfect little boxes, dated and in order- not in shopping backs in the hallway!!!

I hate clutter. I dont think im super anal or ocd, but i like things organized just because i want them to look nice, and pretty.

I have so much work to do in this house! All i can really think to do is go room by room, because as it is, the task seems so daunting.

I bitched and complained so much about being single. Oh, i had no idea the problems i'd face when i finally found the person i wanted to spend my life with!!

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Time:

3:26 pm.

someone nudged me so i guess that i should write an update quick while im waiting for towels to dry so i can take a shower cause i am gross and disgustinggggg.

christmas was wonderful. i got everything i wanted, plus so so so much more:

jay got me: a nifty pink digital camera, the first season of nip/tuck on dvd, a card thingie for my camera, and a very pretty circle pendant necklace. he also bought me a new tire for my car! yay!

my grandma got meeeee MY OLD SEWING MACHINE!! completely refurbished and better than brand new. i kinda quit sewing because it broke and i just couldnt get down with the new one i got to replace it. plus she got me a really great pair of scissors, a cute HUGE pin cushion, and all kinds of stuff to go along with it.

my mommy got me an amazing new down comforter to match my new sheets i just got, a pillow that i promptly traded for one my grandma gave my sister, and a 100 dollar marshalls gift certificate which i will spend all in one trip on crap i dont need

my aunt got me a 50 dollar victorias secret gift card which i will spend all in one trip on ONE thing i really do need

my sister got me a very nice philosophy set (grace) which im really excited about cause it smells like fresh laundry

my little brother and his girlfriend got me bath stuff, jays mom got me bath stuff and some cute head bands cause i wore a headband the first time i ever met her and apparently that means i just LOVEEEE them, and his aunt and uncle got us a gift certificate to our favorite mexican restaurant, and some chocolatie goodness for me.

i really cant remember much else. my dad gave me money. and i think thats probably about it.

aside from getting great stuff to play with, i was just really happy to get to spend so much time with my family, to have jay there with my family, and to get to spend time with his family, too.

so that was christmas.
and now it's back to work and blah blahhh blahhh.

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Time:

5:00 pm.

life is so good right now. i always say that and then something bad happens, but i am just content content content.

christmas is soon and i am so excited about that. i dont really want to do a tree at my apartment this year cause neither zac or i will be here for christmas, and jay and i are doing a tree at his house. but we decorated at work and hung our stockings from the loft upstairs, so that was fun. i have already knocked out one small gift for my brothers girlfriend, and am about to go shop for a few more small things- im trying not to wait til the last minute like i always do, so it wont be such a pain to spend that much money all at once. i really need to pay rent first though, argggh.

and i leave you with this adorable picture of jay and i being adorable
i dont know what was happening here, at all

*oh and just to clarify on the height difference that doesnt look so bad in this photo: i was wearing heels, AND had my head stretched up

he is gone with sovus playing shows until sunday, and i am very sad about that fact
he just left this morning and i miss him already

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Subject:	ugh argh lame
Time:	8:51 pm.

i hate his face, but i still love it at the same time. it is kind of ridiculous.

we talked for a day or so, but he is once again sticking to the "i can't do this" and "i cant talk to you until i get better" which i think is a pretty good idea, because i just don't know how to deal with things like that.

the thing is, i really dont have much faith that he is ever going to "get better." especially considering the fact that he is waiting until the end of October to go. he is acknowledging that he has a problem but he is still not doing anything about it. i always fall for baby-birds that fell out of their nests. and i always end up never being able to save them. at least this one knows better than to think that i can. i am kind of glad that he was smart enough to push me away, but i am sad too,

cause i kind of wanted to stay.

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Time:

2:30 am.

i am actually pretty damn sad now.

the only thing that is cheering me up is the fact that i have 99 percent convinced my grandma to buy a mini-cow!

http://www.tanglewoodfarmminiatures.com

but when i stop looking at the adorableness that is little cattle, i am definitely sad again

things i want to do now that it is fall:
go to a corn maze,
go to the fair this weekend
go to tanglewood farm and get a lil moo moo
go to the bunny ranch and get a lionhead bunny
go to a haunted house
go see across the universe, cause i dont go see movies unless its fall or winter

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Time:

9:48 pm.

leo had a seizure today and that is always a crappy crappy thing to see :(

my sister and her boyfriend joel and their dogs came over, and we were all horsing around outside. leo gets along really well with my sisters weenie dog, but had never met joels dog before, which happens to be like mammothly huge.

they werent playing too rough but joels dog snapped at leo a little bit and barked, and leo freaked out, tried to run away a few steps, fell over and started seizing. the whole thing only lasted 6 minutes this time, and ive seen it happen 5 times now, but i still cried my eyes out, regardless.

it is the saddest thing in the world to see. he falls over and convulses for about a minute, and then spends the next 5 or so minutes trying to get control of his body again. he regains composure of his head first, then tries to get up, drags himself around with his front paws for a while, and then all of a sudden the back kicks in and he runs around perfectly fine again. it is the weirdest thing to see. he went right back to playing like he had no idea it even happened!

so he is fine now- just gallivanting around the house and loving the attention.

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Time:

4:16 am.

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God gosh, i am in trouble.
He makes me feel all crazy flip floppy inside. he calls me beautiful and makes me smile like a retard at any given point of the day, and my phone bill is going to be ridiculous because we talk constantly.
But i hate it, because it is so hard to gauge a relationship when there is so much distance present. I can't tell from so far far away, whether or not anything is going to come from it and if it's even the same on both sides. Because as of now, you can't really expect anything to grow when all it's being fed is text messages and phone calls. I hate hate hate the not knowing. but i am trying to wait patiently, til he comes home.

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Subject:	it is in the leaving
Time:	9:49 pm.

i dug this out from a few years ago when it seems i did not a lot besides live my life in the leavings. i am thinking a lot lately, how odd it is that love is an emotion that in its instances feels so contingent on a person, but in reality, is the same exact emotion, the same feelings, the same thoughts- and the person its self is interchangeable. maybe that's an awful thing to say. the concept never really made sense to me, because for the past year, it has seemed as if my concept and idea of what love is, has been ever decreasing in emotion- nothing has been as good as the first was. nothing was as good after the fall. and now, i am finally finding- that there are bigger things, on bigger plains, ahead of me. i am finding that love can exist in a way 10 times as deep as it ever did, before. i thought that i had found the deepest part of the ocean, because there was nothing past it but shallowness. i am finally realizing that the shallowness was only sand bars, and there is a depth beyond it i never really imagined. a depth that i am only just now ready to stretch my legs and swim in.

so for the longest time, i lived my life in the leavings. the disastrous, heart wrenching, waving good bye, tears on face- leavings. it seems that the leavings will never stop. i am constantly forever drawn to a sort of passion that will always take the men in my life away from me. it is apparent that this time will be no different.

the only thing that will be different this time, is my choice not to live in the departures. to instead, finally develop patience. to sit blissful and grace filled- and wait for sweet returns.

it is in the leaving that the agony begins.
hope and skin, stretched too far.
time enough for words,
borrowed and weighty.

eyes that glisten in the knowing of what comes
always comes.

airports.
train stations
bus stops.
take us apart.

but we keep knitting together-
strange and inevitably.
even we don't question it anymore.

it is not in the reuniting that we are together.

no kind of kiss binds us,
each greeting,
each meeting.
is new,
is full of searching
of not sure if it will be the same.

it is not in the continuing.

not in the birthdays anniversaries new years.
(although they're very grand.)
nor in the letters,
calls,
poems.

the i miss yous are careless, because they're common.

it is not in the waiting.

the day counting
the trip planning
the bag packing.

no kind of agony that shreds days makes us together
(calendars are cruel.)

it is in the leaving.
in the last look.
last touch.
last kiss.
one more.
will i ever see you again?
rip.
that makes me sure.
that makes him sure.
this is a great love.

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Time:

10:48 pm.

My roommate (gay, obviously, african american surprisingly) went to UGA this past week to hang out with his super fratty boyfriend, who i love to death. he came back listening to really really good music for all of about 20 minutes, but now it is back to sounding like a techno club in my house, again.

My new job is pretty awesome, but working normal 9-5 hours is totally freaking me out. Really, having to get up and look presentable to the public in office casual attire is freaking me out. Not wearing big earrings is freaking me out.

Speaking of big earrings and big purses- i found this website that has pretty cute stuff for pretty cheap
http://www.santeealleythestore.com

against my responsible judgment, (lord knows i dont have any of that!) i got this shirt which i will probably get one wear out of before fall:

the best part is that i signed up so i can get commission if anybody i knows buys anything
and that's pretty awesome
plus its a good excuse for me to buy stuff i dont need cause i can convince myself im getting a discount, hahah
so if you see anything you would like to waste money on, select my name from the drop down menu and i get money! cool!

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Time:

4:34 pm.

life is interesting as always

i had a blast in miami and the keys with my mom this past week. i love vacations with my mom- they are TRUE laying around in the sun all day, eating too much, walking on the beach, VACATIONS. as much as i enjoy road trip with friends and partying and going out every night vacations, they are not much for rest and relaxation.

not like i need relaxation considering that i don't have a job. i got a position working for a home decor company at the Mart, but that is only a week every month- it pays very very well, but i can't live off of it. i am definitely excited about it, because it's really promising and right up my alley.

so i gave in today finally and went and talked to my old head of store when i went to pick up my very last paycheck. i didn't exactly beg for my job back, but i did apologize for how i left, and explained to him that i tried to come back and talk to him about it earlier but was told by another manager that it was "too late" That's exactly how to get to Dan because he hates it when he feels like he's being under minded by his managers in lower positions. So he said that he would call me about it, and then winked all creepy like, which in Dan speak i think means that i will be put back on the schedule. That would be awesome because i am FLAT BROKE! I have 40 dollars to last until i get my check from the Mart, which will not be til like the 15th. My rent is due and i only have 200 dollars of it. So i need another 290 more by like, tomorrow. Im going to dinner at my dads tonight, so hopefully, he will help me out. I hope hope hope he can, because he has not given me any money in forever.

Also, i met a boy. said boy is leaving for like 2 months on Thursday though. isn't that just how my life always is?

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